Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Cynic's Political Dictionary

For your amusement, and perhaps enlightenment, I offer the following translation from politician-speak to plain English:
  1. Bi-partisan: Anything that is worse than the results a single party could produce on its own.
  2. Blue-ribbon commission: A group of people whose purpose is to enable politicians to appear to be doing something.
  3. Campaign: 2 years of constant hectoring by politicians about how theirs opponents' election will mean the end of civilization as we know it.
  4. Change: Making things worse.
  5. Comprehensive Immigration Reform: Amnesty for illegal aliens.
  6. Constitution: A document that politicians ritually pledge to uphold but routinely ignore once in office. Supposedly the ruling law of the land.
  7. Diplomacy: Appeasing dictators and thugs with promises of American aid.
  8. Economic Justice: Taxes on the productive members of society. See also "social justice" and "redistributive change."
  9. Fascist: Political Conservative (see also, "racist," "sexist," et al.)
  10. Fairness: Taxes
  11. Gaffe: Any clear statement of my true beliefs and principles.
  12. Hope: What politicians kill off once in office.
  13. Improvement: Regression.
  14. International Community: People who hate the U.S., Americans, and the values on which the country was founded.
  15. Lobbyist: Representative of a group of voters who support a cause I disagree with, but favored by my opponent. See also "special interest."
  16. Money: What it takes to change my opinion on an issue.
  17. Principled: Any actions taken by me.
  18. Progress: Change for the worse.
  19. Promise: Lie.
  20. Racist: Opposed to race-based preferences for anyone.
  21. Real Americans: Voters who support me.
  22. Redistributive Change: Communism
  23. Reform: Spend more money for worse results (see also "Change").
  24. Single-payer: Government funded through taxation.
  25. Social Justice: see "Redistributive Change"
  26. Special Interest: A group of voters that support my opponent.
  27. Stopping Global Warming: Imposing job-killing taxes on Americans while ignoring the policies of China and India, the world's worst industrial polluters.
  28. U.N.: An international body convening in New York in which thugs, thieves, and dictators are given the same vote as the representatives of free nations in the name of "international cooperation."
  29. Unethical: Any action taken by my opponent.
  30. Unify the country: Eliminate the opposition to my plans.
  31. Voter Registration Drive: Voter fraud
  32. Voter Suppression: Limiting the vote to citizens and non-felons.

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